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: frank, : i'm sorry i haven't written u in so long. i was going to wait until i'd lost some weight on the zone. i wanted you to be proud of me. i've been eating a lot of bacon and bratwurst, but so far nothing! if anything, i feel even chubbier. oh, frank! :( : w/b! : PeachTree : : Dear PeachTree, : : I've been eagerly awaiting your next reply. I hope I did not offend you with my "old-man rantings" about The Zone et. al. I must confess I'd had too much expensive brandy the night I wrote it. My publisher was visiting, trying to persuade me to publish one of the many biographies in my vault - a scathing look into the true "personality" of TV's Scott Baio. I've tired with publishing, PeachTree. I simply refuse to publish anymore. Those "peach-eaters" must do without old Frank to push around. Apologies. : : Nonetheless, every word was true, if somewhat vitriolic. Please write back, PeachTree. I've come to look upon your letters with a certain diathermy. : : Yours, : : Frank : : : Do not cry, young PeachTree. Don't shed a tear. One so young and fresh as yourself should not cry. Maybe lounge around in your cheerleading uniform; that might make you feel better, I don't know, PeachTree - I'm just a man after all. : : : As far as your health...It sounds as if there might be a problem with your diet, PeachTree. Young girls such as yourself must be sure that they eat right. It's important that we use the earth, natural foods and remedies to heal our bodies. Have you heard of The Zone, PeachTree? It is a new diet that substitutes proteins for carbohydrates. Instead of chips, french fries, and bread, PeachTree - eat bacon, ham, eggs and other meat products. Dairy is all right, PeachTree. If you eat popcorn (and remember, popcorn contains high levels of carbs - so does soda pop, chocolate, and orange juice - frozen orange juice, PeachTree! High in sugars and fructose!) make sure that you put lots of er on it. I know this sounds bizarre to you, PeachTree, but it works. The Zone has worked for thousands of people just like you. I hope you get on The Zone, PeachTree. I hope that you are that kind of person, the kind of person that wants to better herself. How can I help you if you don't want to better yourself? How can I, PeachTree? I don't mean to chastize you - but I feel so darned invested in you. Your writing is amazing, not only for someone your age, but for an artist of any age - any Time! You will be a force to be reckoned with, PeachTree. Your true gift is the written word. That is why you must get on The Zone, PeachTree. Encourage your gift. : : : Cease the consumption of carbohydrates! : : : Yours, : : : Frank : : : : frank, : : : : (that sounds so weird) i love reading your letters. i finally have something to look forward to. i can't believe i'm actually talking to the frank beldington! what would my friends think? i can tell u what they'd think, frank. they probably wouldn't care because they are so lame. they probably think magnum p.i. is a newspaper for something weird! u r right about the peach eaters, frank. : : : : how was your day? my day was lame!!!! :( (see, frank, i made a frowny face. its easy. all u do is make a colon and then a left parentheses. then turn your head sideways. 4 a smily face, u use the right one) i haven't been feeling well. i don't know why. i think it might be mental strain. sometimes i get dizzy when im just sitting there, like in a restaraunt. i get dizzy if i think a lot about stuff - like deep stuff. i have to go now - i'm tearing up, i'm afraid. : : : : PeachTree:( : : : : : PeachTree, Please call me Frank. Mr. Beldington is my father's name. : : : : : I'm glad you liked my biography on Tom Selleck, PeachTree, and I was saddened to hear that your father has ped away. It is a sad and ironic state of life that all must come to an end. This means you and I at some point must ready ourselves to face the great beyond. But for now, let's not worry ourselves with such dour talk, PeachTree. It would be a sin (and in poor taste) to fill your mind with such thoughts, you, who are so young and fresh. Tell me PeachTree, what do you like to do when you're not writing old fools like me? Do you enjoy ice skating, PeachTree? Have you danced on Central Park? Have you eaten cotton candy on the Boardwalk of Atlantic City? Are you a ? : : : : : I feel that the two of us have a special connection, PeachTree. It is something I, as masterful a wordsmith as I am, cannot put into language. Doesn't it feel good, PeachTree? To find a friend? Doesn't it feel "groovy?" I will leave you with that though and sensation. : : : : : Until your next letter, I am, (as always, PeachTree) : : : : : Yours, : : : : : Frank : : : : : : : : : : : mr. beldington, : : : : : : i loved what you said about the "peach eaters." i totally know what you mean. i thought the peach eaters line was really beautiful. : : : : : : i wish everyone could read the tom sellek book. it was my father's bedside table book before he died. that book means a lot to my family. tom sellek was so much like my father and i love the way you write about tom. : : : : : : there are a lot of "tom-cats" that like to scratch you with their claws. don't let the "tom-cats" win, mr. beldington. : : : : : : i also thought that was beautiful about judge judy. i had no idea she was such an intricate person. and that line about soft as a peach was really great. : : : : : : write back, PT : ) - happy face : : : : : : : Yes, I am one and the same. I suppose this means you've read it? I'm interested to know what you thought of the book. It wasn't the commercial success my publishers wanted, nor, I'm afraid, did the critics keep their claws and teeth from its bindings. But to me it was special. : : : : : : : You really should give Judith a chance, PeachTree. I've found many interesting things about her as I've done my research. She's lived a fascinatingly interesting life. It is how we react to our individual life experiences that temper our emotional makeup, PeachTree. What you see as rudeness is really the emotional exterior of a woman who has been through much, indeed. On the inside, I ure you, she is soft as a "peach." : : : : : : : I'm sorry you weren't able to access my email. I used a mock address. I'm afraid I can't give my email out with so many "peach-eaters" around. : : : : : : : Apologies also for the shortness of this letter, PeachTree. I am not as young as I once was and often find myself tiring early in my correspondence. I believe I will go for a walk in the garden. : : : : : : : Eagerly awaiting your reply, : : : : : : : Frank Beldington : : : : : : : : mr. beldington, : : : : : : : : i don't know when that article came out but i do remember it. my mother is a big judge judy fan. i am not, personally, because i find her rude, but to each his own, like they say. i hope you don't mind me asking, but are u the frank beldington who wrote the biography on tom sellek? write back : : : : : : : : ps i tried writing you an email but it didn't work. :( : : : : : : : : : Apologies for the intrusion, but I was wondering if anyone had any information about a magazine article claiming that TV's popular "Judge Judy" is a relation to J.D. Salinger, author of Catcher in the Rhine? An acquaintance of mine claims in an interview with Parade Magazine, Ms. Sheindlin reports Mr. Salinger is a first cousin? Does anyone know the date of the article? I am working on a bio. of the feisty judge and thought I would try the Internet. Thank you, : : : : : : : : : Frank Beldington

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